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[Saturday
July 4th 1:53pm] |
"how you gon' win when you ain't right within?"
more to it.
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| alanis always puts it best |
[Friday
July 3rd 9:37pm] |
so unsexy.
Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated
When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me
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| running off the plank |
[Thursday
July 2nd 1:35am] |
1. abandonment
2. abandonment
3. abandonment
4. abandonment
5. abandonment
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[Sunday
June 21st 8:00pm] |
i can learn nothing from my parents except who i don't want to be
every time my dad comes i am instantly depressed because it just reminds me of how pathetic this whole situation is
and then my mom calls me the most immature person in the family
what "family"?
and i have to move back into this fucking hell hole?
god help me. please.
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| emotions vs reasoning |
[Sunday
June 14th 5:30pm] |
the mind always loses
how can you expect it to win when everything else hits so fucking hard that there's not enough time for oxygen to get to the brain
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[Saturday
June 13th 1:48am] |
i went to the movies tonight with Syl and Jade to see Away We Go.
It was beautiful. it captured everything it set out to capture including myself.
Afterwards I felt inclined to go see Alex just to hug him once and smell his scent. He had some green juice for me and I drank it and started to feel cold symptoms coming on. We essentially agreed it had to be because my body is happy with the nutrients it's receiving from the green juice and according to my love, illness is a detoxification process. I'm okay with that. "Wonderplanets", the guy who has quickly become Alex's raw guru, opened my mind tonight a little bit and gained one point in my favor.
My unhealthiness is reaching a peak. My eating process is not okay in content or flexibility or even consistency. I want to get better, I want to get better. For me. I've given Alex my consent to use cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques, as seen on the new A&E show "Obsessed", and expose me to my most uncomfortable of situations that is eating green. We rate my aversion to it highest being 10 and lowest being 1. I plateau at an 8, or have been doing so.
My mom lost her job today. That situation too reached a peak. People apparently don't like it when you get tired of their bullshit and decide to speak up. I'm trying to keep from letting this one affect me too much. Lately I've been letting plenty get to me, too much. It's not something I like, it's something I feel less control over especially when things seem to rain on me like catapulted bags of fire shit. Like my net isn't big enough. I think that when things like this or when, rather, periods of my life like this have happened, I mean huge titanic transitions, I try to find things to control to compensate for the lack of control I feel. It's one big power struggle mainly with myself. This is where the problems in my relationships come in and where I let my emotions take over. With everybody, including my sister now. Mind you my sister was the one person I never thought I would get in a real argument with and the other day I saw myself get really snappy and even say Shut Up maliciously. How wack is projecting stress like that. Truly.
My point in all of this is to say... watching Away We Go is time well spent for anybody.
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[Monday
June 1st 2:09am] |
Thursday morning. Five seconds, I swear, before I wake up I have a dream. I'm standing on Cecile's desk. She's a reptillian, I'm the only one who knows it but not the only one who suspects it. I'm rampant. I kick off her keyboard, her monitor, her desk calender, think about kicking in her face, I mean, it's right there. It's RIGHT THERE. Instead I jump off, she doesn't look disturbed enough. In fact she looks dead. She looks dead on the outside, matching the inside. She's looking at me, uncaring as ever. I jump off the desk. I stand at the door. "Fuck you and your daughter's a whore!"
I wake up smiling, my cloth curtains aren't up yet, the light's an intruder, unwelcome and dreaded. The new blinds do nothing. Alex is already up and ready to go. I don't tell him about the dream. I'm up too early to the same Nessum Dorma ringtone that's been waking me since I started there.
I remember the interview and how I went to Bri's right after to gloat over those perfect eggs she makes. I called Alex and told him, "She seems soOoOo nice, babe, she wants me to start tomorrow." I knew little of this woman, I couldn't see past the synthetic south Orange County smile. If somebody is the director of a school, a school filled with sponge brained children, one would expect her to have the interests of none other but those childrens at the core of her intentions or knowledge of their basic needs. Wrong again.
Through my stay I attested to many indicators that this woman was not who I believed her to be. Recently I was informed that she had never had ANY Development training, none. I was appalled but it made sense. She was never taught that the abuse of a child, in all instances, meant we were mandated as educators and care givers to report the abuse. A little girl, Tea, pronounced Tay-yuh, showed up one day with a bite mark from her grandmother. Cameron, her teacher, insisted to Cecile that it be reported. Cecile's answer: "That's family business, we don't get involved." Cameron did the right thing in reporting it the next morning but not without a strong reprimand from Cecile. If there had been any respect for this woman, this disintegrated it completely.
She had never learned what is appropriate and suitable attire for a teacher. She allowed her daughter, the 19-year-old toddler "teacher", to walk out of the house in clothes I would not even wear to a club. Backless shirts, towel dresses with nothing under, hussie clothes. Disgusting. I don't understand how the parents never said anything. They didn't to my knowledge. These parents that pay $800+ a month to send their two and three year olds to this classroom are totally in the dark. I remember the way Ashley, the hussie, looked at me as I left the school for the last time. No concern, no empathy. She seemed almost glad. How can you feel concern or empathy when you don't have a soul, a brain, a will, a goal, a sense of decency? You can't, she didn't.
This woman, Cecile, was never informed that children do not take transitions lightly. I was reprimanded for so many things that were not wrong to do. For going to the bathroom when I was on my period, for explaining to the children why they were in time out when their tears begged for understanding, for taking part in their play, their main source of education, for wearing a knit beanie that made me look like a reggae gang member apparently. There were so many things wrong with her judgment, I could never underestimate her. I was the third aide she had hired and fired this year alone for that classroom.
Max and Mia were playing in the sand the previous afternoon. Akshay was shoveling sand with his hands behind him because apparently the school can't afford decent shovels and not more than three broken ones. Max was behind him and sand got in his eye. Mia, his sister, came to me and explained what happened, Max was tearing up. I knelt down next to him and asked him if he was okay. He nodded once and looked at me and I wiped the sand from his face. He continued playing. Their mother showed up not fifteen minutes later and Max started screaming bloody murder as soon as he saw her. He felt the pain in the eye all of a sudden. She came up to me and asked me what my actions were to be after something like that happens because "They do it to eachother all the time". I told her that if it hadn't been an accident, Akshay would have been disciplined. I told her Max told me he was fine. She told me she'd see me tomorrow. Max and Mia weren't at school on Wednesday. I got called into the office during the childrens' Bible Study. Cecile told me that Max and Mia's mom was "LIVID" with her because she didn't call her after he got sand in his eye. She told me that Max's mom had taken him to the doctor and that she's afraid he might be blind in one eye. In my head I'm thinking "Really? From sand?". This happens every day, we are used to this. She tells me that when something happens to a child, ANYTHING, that I should bring them all in from playing outside and bring the child to her so she could take "appropriate action". "Okay", I say, "I'll do that." I'll cut short everyone else's play time when anyone gets sand in the face regardless of whether or not they tell me theyr'e okay. I should mention that Max cries when his mom gets there every day, too. She also mentions that I'm talking to the kids too much. She never learned that Step ONE of being a caregiver is to build a relationship with each child. She wants me to be a dictator like her. She sent me out and back to the classroom. I got called back in with less than half an hour to go on my shift. "Max and Mia's mom came in to yell at me today while you were at lunch, we're afraid she might threaten to sue, I'm gonna have to let you go." My world dropped and spun and pounded me right in the gut. "But... I LOVE those kids." She tells me there's nothing she can do. "Can I talk to their mom, what can I do, I can't lose my job, I have rent to pay, this can't be happening.." She pushes an envelope towards me, tells me she's paying me until the end of the day. I'm supposed to be grateful apparently. I had so much more to say but the shock and pain and thought of never seeing those kids again was choking me. I take the check and walk into the classroom to get my belongings. Ella and her mom are in there, they see I'm tearing up. I bend down to Ella and she clings to my neck. I hug her as hard as I can, for the last time, and lose it. Her mom asks me what's wrong and I tell her. "I'm so sorry. Some parents are like that, I'm so sorry." That's when I walk out and see Ashley, looking at me, I know she knows, she's shameless and far from blameless. She was always a spy, always Satan's right hand ho.
It hits me every morning, right when the light blinds me right through my eyelids. It reminds me of the way it hit me when Eliot broke up with me. I loathed waking up to the reality of my life then. It took a long time for the disbelief to subside. I don't care about Cecile or her skanky daughter really. I don't care that she's money hungry, because the real reason I was fired was because she, and that business woman owner, wanted to save the money this summer with the low enrollment. That's fine, that would have been fine. Any decent person could and would have told me "You know what, we're having some budget issues and we can't afford to keep you." That would have been too honest, not sour enough. People like that need to exist in the world, I get it. What hurts the most is that the parents are ignorant and that the children are paying the price. They loved me and they knew I loved them and I loved them ten times more for what they taught me, for what they were teaching me about patience and innocense and compassion. It got ripped from under me and I won't forgive her, them, for that.
God damn do I wish that dream had been real.
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[Monday
May 18th 8:17am] |
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i've been having the most mindblowing sex with a beautiful wonderful loving man.
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[Sunday
May 17th 5:14pm] |
i am going to feel uncomfortable hanging out with martin when he gets home
i just know it
i don't want to hear about anything travel related
from him or anybody
i'm not interested
when will my life kick in? or has it already? is this IT? come on.
i feel like i'm up against a wall of nails
anxious and grinding my teeth at night
so much so that sores have begun to sprout
they inflame and get chewed when i chew
just a reminder of all of it
i have one day off next week
then not again until late august
"sometimes you gotta pay your dues"
i didn't know i was born owing
original debt
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[Saturday
May 9th 8:56am] |
i went to H&M yesterday to pick up a couple of things for the date i was supposed to have last night
i go up to the cash register and lo and behold my card is declined
but why? i deposited the night before
oh, well Chase tells me it's because i deposited my $860 check through an ATM the night before
and immediately withdrew $200 to loan and deposit for my mom's car insurance
so my balance: over 600, available?: -53 something (WHAT THE FUCK.)
so i have a mini panic attack at the mall with my co-worker Zaira and she is like don't worry about it i can loan you fifty but fifty isn't going to cover mother's day breakfast and mother's day gifts or flowers or my date yesterday
so not only have i been broke since my last paycheck due to rent
but i will continue to be broke until my check is processed on TUESDAY.
i'm gonna point a finger.
cecile, the director, was supposed to pay us on Wednesday morning
i had marked my calender, the 6th the 6th the 6th!
she didn't. she forgot to go pick up the checks from the owner.
so she goes to the owner's office on thursday morning, as in, she wasn't there when i got there at 9
i'm like okay, i can deposit on my lunch
no
she doesn't give me the check until five pm when she's leaving
mind you i had to REMIND her as she's walking out the door
"hey Cecile, don't we get paid today?"
"OH, right!" and walks back to her office and gives me my check
mind you i have class this evening and time doesn't allow for me to run to the bank
and in any case, the bank is closed
so after class, at 10, i deposit via ATM
and now, because of the inconsideration of the administration at my work, my boyfriend's birthday celebration dinner and my mother's day plans are ruined.
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| ode to the day |
[Monday
April 27th 11:08pm] |
i spent the majority of the day stressing out on the edge of my seat. mostly standing actually. i thought i was going to get fired; i wasn't even close. she just wanted to remind me to wipe down the tables before i left. i freaked and lost my appetite until recently.
alex reminded me that my reaction was in my control. it was up to me to transcend and let things be. yet "i need to talk to you" sounded so incredibly threatening so early, my reaction isn't too surprising.
==
i left my class after half hour because Mary's DONE teaching and is just giving us busy work to finish off the semester. she made us stand out in the cold for the first half hour. so i left and hung out with some of the Perez sisters in Santa Ana. I don't regret it.
==
My boyfriend sent me a text today. "Te adoro." I'm grateful for him.
==
The sooner i go to skeep, the sooner i can get tackled by three-year-olds in the morning. A lovely day it will be. But not lovelier than the sixth on which I will get paid, and have money for MASELF and not rent/food.
more to write, too tired.
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[Sunday
April 26th 11:42pm] |
things i haven't yet written:
mustn't forget--
silver and gold amazing
mexicatessen
Verizon guy billboard with the Asian lettering
the non-Paco's Tacos Paco's tacos
--
SCOTT WALK, or Donate Life, was yesterday morning. I walked three miles with Becca, Eric's woman, just talking about lives and existence(s) and cycles and psychologies. My calves hurt this morning because I didn't stretch before walking. It's a good reminder of the walk though, so I don't mind it much. There were a lot of positive vibrations throughout the event. For some reason, two of the Kardashians were there. I saw them, they looked like they really liked being celebrities. Good for them. I said no to two free hot dogs.
www.donatelifecalifornia.org
get yourself registered. you don't need your organs when you're dead.
--
i had my workshop piece workshopped.
it was praised. i could feel the sincerity of their words about it, unlike the way they sometimes try to compliment pieces that i feel sorry i ever wasted my energy reading. this was wednesday. since then i've felt pretty good about my re-found ability. i'm no longer so afraid to write. has anybody noticed how little i've written on livejournal in the past year or so? i don't know what happened. but with this piece, i put myself into it completely, and ended up being compared to one Gustavo Arellano. but, i just read a letter from a friend in that class, Krystle, and she did praise, but she also gave me really strong, and sometimes accurate, critiques. I could feel nothing but gratitude that she took the time to take it seriously and give me a formed opinion. I wish I had gotten more written up copies back. I didn't think I would wish that but I really do. The piece pushed me.
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I moved last weekend. I live with Lisa and Jess now in Costa Mesa. They are good people and I'm not uncomfortable. I don't know if they're okay with my smoking weed in my room yet, but I don't bother them so I think they will, or should, let me be. I haven't been in Irvine in over a week now. I want to pick up the rest of my books and fill my bookshelf. My room is slowly turning out quite nicely, i must remember to be clean.
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alex doesn't want bob dylan directly in front of my bed. i don't get it, but okay, i retired his face. i listen to bob every morning as i get ready for work. i feel like i need a harmonica to wake me up.
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i've been experiencing the ways of the children at the school fully. they make me feel blessed to be their teacher no matter how hilariously defiant they can be. i secretly like when they say no to what i tell them to do. though i also truly understand the value of some degrees of discipline. i have stories, i should start chronicling.
it's not all rainbows.
i've had to witness the ways of the disconnected administration. i have found abominations in their decisions and have learned to swallow my pride and repress righteous protest. i don't like when people look down their nose at me, or take advantage of good workers, or undermine my awareness and deliberation of healthy decisions, especially when those same people have proven to be 1. unethical and/or 2. slutty. i have beef. i guess somebody has to be everybody.
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i could write a lot more. my eyes are closing. i miss my people.
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[Sunday
April 12th 4:43pm] |
i finally got my period.
only TWO WEEKS LATE. ugh. i don't even know who to scold for this.
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ivegotthecrack's journal