| we laugh, we laugh when we love |
[Sunday
May 11th 3:08pm] |
"are you real?"
"-reflective pause- i believe so."
"sometimes i don't believe i am"
"do you question your experiences?"
"yes"
"i do too."
he and i. there is an everything-proof universal purple tether that connects our transparent beings, we are O N E and invincible and eternal. i am healed and forever blessed.
i wish i could cut multiply this feeling of peace and assurance and give it away in bulk for free to all of you. much like jesus multiplied the loaves of bread and fish and gave it to the hungry people. There really are no words to do it this sensation of fulfillment of existence justice.
happy mother's day to all you past, present, and future mothers (like ME!).
|
|
| all i wanted to say (and did say a lot of) is |
[Wednesday
May 7th 12:56pm] |
how dare you?
how dare you make your assumptions and contradictions?
how dare you expect me to not care as much as i do?
how dare you say i wear shackles when you've never experienced my freedom?
HOW DARE YOU make the pizza vs salad comment?
i said "Fuck you" soooo many times last night
how dare you say that you could get used to the disconnect?
that you are satisfied with the lowest form of satisfaction?
you lie to yourself by not admitting you want more
than your piece of shit mindset towards me and towards this life
how dare you say the same meaningless things over and over again?
how dare you imply that i am being controlled?
for the sake of making me question my motivations?
FUCKED UP! it took you hours to turn me on my head.
how dare you call me a hypocrite and everything you were being?
AND YOU KNOW IT!
how dare you tell me that you're specifically trying to break my heart?
how dare you assume that i must have needed that kind of pain?
everything i've ever said is NOT an illusion but your interpretation has been
everything you've ever said has been indulgent and that's never what i wanted
I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR THE HOLE IN YOUR SOUL
you are bitter and unkind and you say you are sorry that the ugliness is showing
but you're not because this is what you want right? i'm " only one who will listen to your bullshit" oh and "I can only be this real with you"
i am sorry that i am witnessing your apparent deterioration
you're graduating and you're confused, I GET IT
BUT YOU HATED THAT I WASN'T CONFUSED
and that i actually know what i want
i can't help whether or not YOU do
you wanted me to HATE you last night and it was WORKING
you are DAY and NIGHT from one second to the next
and i wasted my time listening to it all because all i learned from you
was that you're insecure and want to bring people down into your hole
you told me yourself, and i stood for it hoping i could hear some sense
IT NEVER HAPPENED
go get your dick wet and be happy, THAT will make me happy
how dare you sacrifice pussy just to be on the phone?
and expect that that wouldn't make me question
how dare you assume that the only reason we were talking was because oh i must have talked to sylvia and she reminded me that you existed
CRAP. that's absolute CRAP.
i thought you knew me better! oh but i'm simple?
i don't know if your intent was to make me pity you but here i am pitying
you are full of bullSHIT and i am surprised to have ever truly believed anything and everything you've ever said
"all i can be is honest" minute 1 "i'm a liar and you shouldn't believe what i say" minute 2
HOW IS THAT NOT CONFUSING?!
you can't tear down my character while chanting that you love me and that i'm fucking beautiful and should never be hurt
how dare you not accept where i am and keep questioning as if i'm supposed to give a specific answer to satisfy you?
you don't know what LOVE is and how dare you call my own love irrational
that's the most blatantly jealous thing i've ever heard
how dare you be cryptic when you talk about proximity and others terms i've used in the past
how dare you use my own words against me when all i was being was honest and SOBER
how dare you point a finger at me and say that it's my fault you're like this?
and then tell me not to flatter myself?
how dare you say i'm simple and easy and predictable because i'm WOMAN
and not want to come home because you're afraid of this WOMAN
because you say i torture you with my presence alone
COME ON! WEAKNESS!
how dare you start off with "Alex is a really good guy, I've known him longer than you" and then eventually unabashedly bash on my decisions with the most raw sour tone
continue bashing until you decide "no but i'm okay i don't care" but you DO and you're a LIAR!
ASSHOLE!
HOW OLD ARE YOU? "12", you say "12" I say "obviously"
how DARE you make me lose my sleep?
all i wanted was to make sure my friend was doing alright.
obviously not.
i don't even know who you are.
and you've obviously sure as hell never known who I am.
and somehow... i still love you and refuse to lose your friendship.
you drunken hypocritical contradictory mindless asshole.
and all of this saddens me to pieces. and i know you feel the same.
you're going to wake up wanting to put the blanket over your head once you remember everything you said to me.
YOU said it, not me.
|
|
| illogistics |
[Tuesday
May 6th 6:25pm] |
I am so happy
stressed
but ultimately happy
On Saturday we celebrated my lover's 21st birthday by having a most delicious dinner with his wonderful family. I didn't leave LA or his arms until yesterday, Monday night. I don't get to see him today or Wednesday, but I get to help him pack up the apartment on Thursday. This is exciting because I miss him to death already and two days isn't terrible. Four days is about the time where I start running out of breath. Schoolwork is not something I miss when I'm not thinking about it. The benefits of academia pale in comparison to this experiential love from which I learn worlds more. It's the sole truth I know most certainly and the trade-off, though doubted at times, is most definitely worth it.
|
|
|
[Friday
May 2nd 4:56pm] |
Why haven't I seen this movie in a long long time? This MUST change. Fuck, it's so amazing.
|
|
|
[Friday
May 2nd 11:12am] |
i had the worst dream ever
and it's the first time i've been conscious of it
because i've had it more than once before, i realized
( Pesadilla )
|
|
| testing testing 123 |
[Thursday
May 1st 9:34pm] |
what makes me the weaker
what makes me the stronger
what can take it away
i am not wanted here
yes i am
no i'm not
yes i am
no i'm not
yes i am
no, i am NOT.
but who will save her?
no one saved me, not even my own imagination
oh i wanted soo badly for someone to save me
at her age when dad had just gone
and i didn't understand
but i pretended
and had no choice but to save myself
with my hands over my ears and my eyes stapled shut
i needed a superhero and it came in the form of her innocence
then again... what makes me think i've been saved at all
am i not giving my bone enough credit for her own strength?
the fingertips are slow to slip
a reminder that this blink is temporary
is the only oxygen half the time
one is dead, the other defines goodness and hope.
i wasn't born with a goddamn cape of gold
but she sees it and holds onto it
and all ma sees is black horizons
i will not bury my sister's sanity with pride
i will not bury my own sanity with fear
what is pride
what is fear
and what's more disgusting and deafening, this is not new fucking news
i am not a useless human being
it will take every last inch of me to prove it
i thought i used up the inch by now
and to be honest
i'm starting to believe her
i recall quite well the moment my senses became rock and sky all in the same
ephemereality
|
|
| fat walrus is a funny bitch |
[Wednesday
April 30th 6:48pm] |
Mattusyahu: leslie
Mattusyahu: i'm pregnant
suck mah Arreola: fuck
suck mah Arreola: my parents are gonna be pissed
suck mah Arreola: HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN
suck mah Arreola: YOU SAID YOU WERE ON THE PILL
Mattusyahu: i'm sorry!
Mattusyahu: u know what?
Mattusyahu: no
Mattusyahu: i knew u'd act this way
Mattusyahu: YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE A MOTHER
Mattusyahu: u'll never see her!
suck mah Arreola: SHE'S MINE TOO!
Mattusyahu: oh so now u want her?
suck mah Arreola: I WANT TO SEE HER BUT NOT PAY FOR HER
Mattusyahu: you bastard!
suck mah Arreola: BITCH!
suck mah Arreola: -end of relationship forever-
Mattusyahu: OVER!
too bad i haven't seen this asian fool in over a year
|
|
| social change |
[Wednesday
April 30th 11:18am] |
Gian and I are going running
...as opposed to smoking weed
Brownie Points
|
|
|
[Sunday
April 27th 7:33am] |
i miss him before my eyes open.
and as soon as they do, oy.
duele un poquito.
i hadn't been home on a saturday night in a long time.
jade i love you. be home all the time.
my face should look like it did in May 2005 by the end of today. Tan and non-yellow-pasty. IT BETTER. field trip today. downtown LA. hey hey HEY! i'm hungry. it's too early. i can't even see straight. weee i have comfortable running shoes. my pup is here at home for the rest of the day. she's a life enhancer. my brain skips even without the murrwannuh. GIAN. STAY STRONG MAH BROTHA, i need you to. Otherwise Jade's gonna hold an intervention and give us a "badass" opportunity to go to rehab.
I miss Syl.
|
|
|
[Thursday
April 24th 7:32am] |
( Dream )
THE FOLLOWING IS A GIFT TO YOU(i looooooove this movie):
|
|
| summer destinations (fingers crossed): |
[Tuesday
April 22nd 8:56am] |
Colima, Mexico
I miss my family. The sane side.
and perhaps I'll even make it to Indiana, which I am flattered to have even been considered to attend a mass Hillenbrand reunion. Maybe we can establish there and grow a beautiful garden of flowers and vegetables around our homely cabin? Raise chickens?
|
|
| new day |
[Monday
April 21st 9:39am] |
Even though I can't see it in this position
The sun lets me share in its brightness
I woke up full of love and hope
This vibe should be some kind of contagious
And I like this quote:
"What is to give light must endure burning." Viktor E Frankl
And Devendra Banhart, to me, is likened to a contemporary lyrical Jesus Christ
I realized summer is fast approaching
Knowing that makes me happier than you can imagine
Jadie, I hope you had a beautiful time in Yosemite.
Gian, I missed you this weekend.
Alexander, I can't find the words and even if I could, you'd already know and you already feel. Still, I thank You and celebrate your existence with my own. Mi espejo, te quiero.
|
|
|
[Thursday
April 17th 10:17pm] |
i'm turning into a monster.
and i'm not very happy about it.
what happened to that placidity from not too long ago?
now i'm bitter and jealous
stoned and stupid
uncertain and fearful
clingy and dependent
hormonal and bipolar
and it has nothing to do with anyone else
i miss my friend(s)
pretty soon even my hands will run away from me
why am i being punished for wanting to be able to decide when i want to bear children?
estoy cansada y aburrida de mi vida.
|
|
| morning ailments |
[Wednesday
April 16th 2:32pm] |
i hadn't purged out my insides like that in a while
sometimes i need to be taken care of like a 4-year-old would be
but if no one's around, then i suppose i'm proud that i can do it myself
sickness is humbling
good morning at 3pm.
|
|
| 1/387618 |
[Tuesday
April 15th 10:44pm] |
"it's a whistle
quench my thistle"
because i never want to forget. giancarlo, glad to know you, brother.
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ivegotthecrack's journal